Surrendering Motherhood
I was only 18 years old,
When I met her for the first time.
I was naive, lost, and still a child myself.
She was tiny, innocent, and growing as the days went by.
I assumed the journey would be rather easy,
Caring for her, loving her, raising her,
But how could I successfully do all those things,
When I still needed them done for me?
I couldn’t,
And I made a mistake by trying to anyway.
I was 21 when I married her father.
For 3 years,
Her and I got to know one another and build a relationship.
By this time, we were pretty close,
However, it wasn’t long before satan came along,
To try and destroy what I worked so hard to build.
My soul was still unhealthy,
Her mind was being fed lies about me,
And our relationship became strained.
Raising her started to become harder than I anticipated it to be.
The love I poured out was hardly ever returned.
And no matter how much good I did,
I was still seen as the evil step mother.
So I began to build a wall around myself,
Trying to guard my heart,
From the pain it would endure,
If I continued to love a child that was being taught not to love me back.
I always pointed the finger at everyone else,
When thinking about why this motherhood journey was becoming so difficult for me.
Never actually taking time to look in the mirror and reflect on the quality of my own soul.
I was so concerned about helping her,
Saving her from the deception being poured into her from hell.
I never realized,
I needed help and saving too.
It wasn’t long before God began to show me, me.
The spirit of rejection I hosted,
The spirit of pride attached to my soul,
The roots of bitterness deep down inside,
And all my unhealed wounds,
That were leaking out blood on a daily.
It was a hard pill to swallow,
Knowing I was just as much to blame,
For the struggles I was experiencing on this journey.
But God reveals to redeem,
He showed me that if I remained in bondage,
To my childhood trauma, unhealed wounds, and sin,
I would hurt the little girl I was trying so hard to love.
So,
I let God deal with my soul,
And He delivered me, healed me, reparented me,
And taught me everything I needed to know,
To become the mother He called me to be.
During this process of soul work,
God spoke to me.
He said,
“Surrender motherhood.”
He showed me,
That I had been seeing my younger self in my daughter.
He showed me,
That I was trying to save her,
Because no one saved me.
He showed me,
That she was not me and I was not my mother.
He showed me,
That she didn’t belong to me,
She was His child.
He showed me,
That I was trying to take His place in her life,
And by doing so,
I caused more harm than good.
So,
I surrendered motherhood.
I released myself from the lie that I could save her,
And do for her what no one did for me.
I released myself from the burden of trying,
To not be like the woman who raised me.
I released myself from trying to be her god.
After doing so,
The yoke became easy,
The burden became light,
And every weapon that was formed did not prosper.
I was only 21,
When God shifted the dynamic of my relationship with my daughter.
I was now wise, healed, and ready to fulfill my assignment in her life,
And she was now older, still innocent, and ready to receive my pour.
I no longer assumed the journey would be easy,
But I knew it would be worth it.
I knew I could successfully care for her, love her, and raise her,
Because God gave me the blueprint,
When He did all those things for me.
